Rating: R | Runtime: 87 minutes
Release Date: September 13th, 2024 (USA)
Studio: Saban Films
Director(s): Kevin Smith
Writer(s): Kevin Smith

Movies make life make sense.

It’s wild to me that Kevin Smith’s semi-autobiographical teen flick The 4:30 Movie is rated R. If ever he was to go PG-13, this was the time. I’m not sure the wall-to-wall sexual innuendo warranted more than that anyway, but Smith probably didn’t care because his usual audience expects crassness. This just isn’t quite the sort of film they expect his crassness from. It pretends to be Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but it’s way too earnestly wholesome to pull it off.

Set at a local multiplex, the film centers around junior Brian David (Austin Zajur) and his year-long search for the confidence to call sophomore Melody Barnegat (Siena Agudong). Even though it’s been that long since they’ve spoken, the two have a wonderfully jokey rapport on the phone to make their impending date a foregone conclusion. The only potential problem stems from the fact that Brian plans to spend the entire day at the theater with Burny (Nicholas Cirillo) and Belly (Reed Northrup) beforehand. The longer they’re together trying to evade Manager Mike’s (Ken Jeong) watchful eye, the greater the chance Brian’s date gets undone.

This is a friendship story first and foremost. The romantic implications of the date loom large, but less where it concerns Brian and Melody going steady than how Burny and Belly react. Because Burny is the “cool” guy. He’s the one who’s allowed to blow the other two off so he can hang out with a girl because that’s what’s expected of him. Having Brian suddenly attempt to fill that role makes Burny confrontational because he’s always been able to count on his friend being there when he returned. The dynamic is shifting towards a place where Burny must shoulder the weight of being the third wheel and he’s unable to cope.

What transpires is therefore the type of shenanigans that both risk this trio being banned from the theater for life and force them to really consider what it is they mean to each other. Fireworks are inevitable with key moments of clarity to try and fan the flames in the aftermath (from Sam Richardson’s wrestler Major Murder and Genesis Rodriguez’s “Hot Usher” rather than the usual Silent Bob monologue). A happy ending would thus be a product of Burny and Belly coming to Brian’s rescue, showing he’s allowed to take the spotlight too. Relationships shouldn’t be thought of as subtractive. It’s not Brian leaving the group, but Melody joining.

It’s very straightforward and very familiar. Beyond Smith’s penchant for lewdness coloring things, it’s definitely his most generic original yet. He tries his best to inject some intrigue via an all-star supporting cast of cameos (Kate Micucci, Method Man, Justin Long, Jeff Anderson, Harley Quinn Smith, Jason Mewes, Jason Lee, Diedrich Bader, Logic, and more), but the whole feels more like skits filling time. The fake trailers garner more attention than whatever feud if brewing between Brian and Mike and nostalgic moments like “emergency breakthrough calls” are so niche that they barely register. The 4:30 Movie is a film for Smith first, audiences second.

I smiled more than I laughed, so its sweetly endearing nature does shine through the vulgarity that seems forced and inauthentic as a result. Zajur, Agudong, Cirillo, and Northrup are fun and doing their best, but you really sense the struggle in delivering Smith’s trademarked, loquacious dialogue naturally. It doesn’t matter how much you like Brian David, hearing him be shocked whenever anyone knows anything specific about cinema is exasperating. You could make a drinking game out of the number of times he says, “You know about so-and-so?” It’s the most condescending reaction to discovering a like-minded soul exists that I cannot believe Rodriguez didn’t punch him in the face when he did it three times in a row.

Kudos to Smith for trying something different, but it’s just too insipid to truly stand apart as a unique coming-of-age tale or a canonical Kevin Smith production. His heart is in the right place and everyone on-screen is having fun, but half of it consists of peripheral gags deserving of the cutting room floor. Smith knows it too since one such gag featuring Brian O’Halloran did get cut to become an outtake after the credits. He got to hang out with his friends while making a new film, though. That’s the ultimate dream. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

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(L-R) Reed Northrup, Austin Zajur, and Nicholas Cirillo in THE 4:30 MOVIE, a Saban Films release. Photo courtesy of Ralph Bavaro.