Rating: R | Runtime: 84 minutes
Release Date: February 23rd, 2024 (USA)
Studio: Focus Features
Director(s): Ethan Coen
Writer(s): Ethan Coen & Tricia Cooke

That is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And I’m a cop.

Look up “slapdash” in the dictionary and you’ll find the poster for Drive-Away Dolls, a film that was first written in the early 2000s and feels like it.

Husband and wife duo Ethan Coen and Tricia Cooke create a mix of lesbian road movie rom-com and political mystery thriller that does well with the former and poorly with the latter. I did actually find myself caring for the wildly independent Jamie (Margaret Qualley) and her buttoned-up friend Marian (Geraldine Viswanathan) eventually falling for each other, but I couldn’t care less about the briefcase in the back of the car they’ve “rented” (looking to go to Tallahassee, they’ve agreed to drop-off the vehicle for Bill Camp’s Curlie).

Why didn’t I care? Because the film doesn’t. It pretends to with a comically over-the-top prologue featuring Pedro Pascal and a collection of sharp metallic objects, but the overall tone’s refusal to make us fear Colman Domingo’s Chief and his lackeys (Joey Slotnick and C.J. Wilson) ensures the subplot remains an afterthought. Yes, we know these parallel journeys will inevitably converge, but there’s no real danger. Not outside of the reality that Jamie and Marian could ruin their friendship by deciding to have sex.

When another scene of violence finally does arrive, it proves to be a gag. Coen and Cooke don’t even feel it necessary to care about the culprit since his purpose had been served with the focus moving onto someone else. This shouldn’t surprise anyone considering all the sharp cuts to innocuous vignettes that do nothing but remind us that other characters (who will play a role later) still exist. Add a bunch of psychedelic interludes featuring Miley Cyrus that go nowhere (until they do) and Drive-Away Dolls proves a mess of half-funny skits and caricature supporting players surrounding a try-hard LGBTQ+ story that feels written by a cis married couple (despite Cooke being queer).

I think there was a reason it never got off the ground in the past two decades despite the many big names attached. And now that it finally has, the specific gendered raunchiness that might have helped it stand out in 2000 feels horribly outdated and quaint today.

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(L to R) Margaret Qualley as “Jamie” and Geraldine Viswanathan as “Marian” in director Ethan Coen’s DRIVE-AWAY DOLLS, a Focus Features release. Credit: Wilson Webb / Working Title / Focus Features.