REVIEW: Journey 2: The Mysterious Island [2012]

“They will not stop until you feed them” After making a boatload of money—that’s the equivalent to one hundred millions dollars if you didn’t know—Journey to the Center of the Earth was almost guaranteed a sequel. Proving they could bring the fictional worlds of Jules Verne to life and somehow make it relevant to a bunch of kids barely able to put down their Smartphones long enough to read a magazine let alone a dense volume of literature, nothing would stop the studio machine from taking the plunge to Atlantis…

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REVIEW: Journey to the Center of the Earth [2008]

“No one gets dibs on the mountain guide” I feel really bad for Canada now that the adventure it holds for young Sean Anderson (Josh Hutcherson) and his mother (Jane Wheeler) will never quite live up to the boy’s quick little Journey to the Center of the Earth. Perhaps it can offer something in the way of safety and stability where thin rock formations that crack under your weight cannot, but I doubt it possesses phosphorescent birds. And we all know how awesome those are. One could say our sister…

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REVIEW: Santa Claus [1985]

“If you give bigger kisses you get better hugs” Nostalgia is a funny thing. Films you remember watching so often in your youth begin to possess a certain aura of quality they can never come close to achieving otherwise. It happens most with holiday movies—Christmas especially. Memories of sitting around the television on Christmas Eve waiting for a night of sleigh-brought treasures with the family cultivate feelings of joy, happiness, and laughter. So when you start to equate those same feelings with the program you were watching at the time,…

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REVIEW: Immortals [2011]

“Witness hell!” With the most recent forays into mythology coming in the form of a boring Troy and misguided Clash of the Titans, seeing the name Tarsem Singh attached to Immortals brought a smile to my face. Originally titled Dawn of War and War of the Gods before settling on its current name, the director sought to deliver a bloody epic in the style of a Renaissance painting—the flowing light of the Gods’ capes and fluid motion of action a real treat. And if you’ve seen his previous work The…

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REVIEW: The Nightmare Before Christmas [1993]

“Curiosity killed the cat, you know” Born from a poem written in the early 80s while Tim Burton was still working as a Disney animator, The Nightmare Before Christmas was a project the auteur wasn’t going to let lay dormant anymore. After finding success with his signature style in the likes of Beetlejuice and Batman, Burton and Disney were able to agree to a deal that would let another Mouse House alum—Henry Selick—direct it as his first feature film. Bringing in Danny Elfman to write the music and eventually sing…

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REVIEW: Trolljegeren [TrollHunter] [2010]

“Does anyone here believe in God or Jesus?” Forget the fairy tales. This is what Hans (Otto Jespersen) says in deadpan to the young college students that decide to follow him around. All of their giggles and winking smirks toward their camera at the mention of trolls only make this hardened man want to tell them the truth more. He has been at it too long, has been thrown around and clawed at too often, and the pay simply sucks. Towing the company line until he no longer can, Hans…

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REVIEW: Dylan Dog: Dead of Night [2011]

“That’s just what this case needed, a seven foot tall, flesh-eating zombie” Based on the Italian comic book series from Tiziano Sclavi, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night introduces us to a world of the supernatural and occult. A cross between “True Blood” and Hellboy—inhabited by the monsters of the former and containing the high-style fantasy aesthetic of the latter—we are lead around by the titular private detective on his first real case in three years. Languishing in the monotony of extramarital affairs and blackmail, Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh) has turned…

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REVIEW: Midnight in Paris [2011]

“Nostalgia is denial” Who knew Woody Allen could be so whimsical? I guess to ardent fans of the auteur, this question may seem ridiculous—either I’m uneducated to think he wasn’t or I’m oblivious to not realize he always was. Whichever side of the fence you fall on, nothing will deter my, quite possibly premature, musing that Midnight in Paris is my new favorite Woody film. I haven’t seen many, including barely any before Celebrity, (as in all his classics), but there is just something about this movie that put a…

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REVIEW: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 [2011]

“His name is Voldemort, Filius. You might as well use it. He’s going to try and kill you either way.” Every story must come to an end and the saga of Harry Potter and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is no exception. Splitting the final novel of J.K. Rowling’s epic tale of wizardry into two films makes it so the words are given justice and very little is left out, but just as Part 1 lacked a complete arc, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 is even less its own entity. To…

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REVIEW: Season of the Witch [2011]

“Ever get the feeling God has too many enemies?” Despite the random list of characters I’ve seen Nicolas Cage play—not to mention the almost infinite selection of those he could portray in the future—an armored knight fighting in the Crusades was not something I ever imagined to see him attempt. That malleable, chameleon-like hair of his doesn’t quite fit the 14th century, especially when juxtaposed with Ron Perlman’s brutish scowl for the duration. Watching the two very different actors joke before a fight about how the man with the least…

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REVIEW: Green Lantern [2011]

“This is the worst eleventh birthday party I’ve ever been to” And here I thought green was the color of envy. Leave it to the DC Universe to set the record straight on how wrong that is in what could be the most implausibly convoluted mythology of any comic book entity ever—especially for a superhero who lives in the same world as Batman and Superman, two guys heavily steeped in reality, with some artistic flourishes of course. Green Lantern is hindered from an easy transition to the big screen at…

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